I went Christmas shopping yesterday. I am surprised I did not waste away all of my money and I actually did not buy anything for myself with all the cash I had in my bag. I am probably going again today, since these are one of the last days my mother has off before the hectic last minute Christmas shopping. I still need to buy yet again more shit for my best friend Teresa. Everybody knows what she is getting for me and according to my brother and my boyfriend, I am going to like it. I feel like an asshole if I get somebody a gift that is shitty compared to the gift they had gotten me.

 

Oscar went with me yesterday to carry my bags and hold my hand through the crazy Christmas shoppers. I bought my mom a perfume for work and my little brother an Abercrombie hoodie. I still have no bought anything for my brother or my dad. My dad will throw a fit if I get him something because he says he never wants anything. I plan on buying him cologne because he wants a new one. My brother is so picky and he probably already has guessed on what I am going to buy for him already.

 

My boyfriend’s Christmas present is ruined. He already knows. He was the one who picked them out. And guess what? Yeah, they are shoes. His face was the best when he saw them. They’re red nike 6.0 cush shoes. They are pretty. They would have made him smile way more than clothes. I should have known. So I bought them just for him as his Christmas present from me. I am also planning on ordering some shirts off urban. My goal is to get him a new package of socks too and maybe a new hoodie since I am always stealing his. I am such a good girlfriend and all I want from that boy is my tiffany ring.

 

So I have decided I probably am not going to get all of my friends gifts this year because when I do they never get me anything back. It is the thought what counts but I am a fifteen year old with no job and has no cash all of the time so I need to save up. I might go to woodbury today and visit some geek over dkny. Only five more days until school is over. I finished that damn essay for English class just a few minutes ago and I am ready to go eat something and jump into a warm shower. I love singing in the mornings and I will be doing just that and probably get yelled at for being so loud.

 

And can you believe that the shining was on last night? I have be craving to watch that movie for weeks. I recorded it and its in HD thank god. The universe seems to be on my side for now and I am loving it. Thanks stars.

 

The winter weather definitely cranked itself up to high gear during the early morning. I woke up in a flash but I did not have a nightmare spreading through my mind. The telephone was ringing. I did not bother to answer. What time was it anyway? It felt like 2:30 am, the time of day where I get up from my bed and drink a good amount of ice tea from it’s bottle in the fridge, maybe even orange juice from the carton if it is present. The answering machine caught the message. It was a robot. Newburgh school district is closed for the day due to the weather. I smiled in the dark and rested my head back into bed. It was actually 5:30 in the morning and I still found myself wanting to dream again.

 

I woke up around eight and I could not get myself back to sleep. I enter my living room where I find my mother and brothers. They tell me some strange news. I can’t believe it. My dad is always careful, but I know that some people are not. My dad got into a mini accident today coming home from work. My dad avoided the collision but ended up spinning and hit a guard rail. I was glad it was nothing really bad, but when my dad came home he told me that he was afraid that he was going to die. When he hit the rail, he was afraid that it was going to give in and he would have gone tumbling down the edge of the highway. Not to mention a truck was coming his way. I hugged him and told him it was alright. He knew that.

 

I helped out my dad by shoveling the walkway and stairs that lead to the front door while he used the snow blower to clean out the driveway. This was one of the first times that I actually gave this whole shoveling thing a try. I actually did a good job, surprisingly since that I have the arms of a twig. We then spent the rest of our family time together before my mom drove off to work by watching movies. I love my family and we are always here for each other. I am glad that I am choosing to spend more time with them.

 

I got more vintage jewelry thanks to the wonderful people over at my mom’s hospital. I never ask for it but it seems like almost every week my mom comes come with more. There is this one women who is around 70. Her name is Harlen. She started experimenting with drugs at a young age and before you knew it she was fucked up really bad. Her mother abandoned her and then her boyfriend did as well, leaving her with a child. A girl. Harlen gave up her baby, knowing that it was unsafe to have it in her hands. At an old age, stuck inside a nursing home for the rest of her life, she has battled over three different types of cancer and diabetes. This women is one of then nicest people I have ever had a lifetime to meet. She is very close with my mother, like most of the other seniors at the hospital. She asked my mother to help her out find her daughter that she had given up. She lives in my city. I did my best and I believe that I have located her. I am praying that it is.

 

Dreaming can get you sick in the head no matter how interesting it may be. What you want does not ever come into reality without you doing something about it. Stop complaining and go fucking do something about it.

 

Christmas is in about two weeks. The weather is so fucked up today. My brothers came in saying that it almost thunder storming out and hail started to fall from the sky. There is a chance that school might be delayed or closed yet again tomorrow morning. I am beginning my Christmas shopping on Saturday. I am only giving gifts out to family and a couple of friends. I love wrapping and putting together the presents and seeing the reaction of whosesoever it is, especially my boyfriend's. Our first Christmas together was last year. I bought him Nikes. His reaction was probably the best. He started smiling like crazy and he did not even open the shoe box to take a look at what the sneakers looked like. He literally jumped on me and attacked me with kisses. I am pretty sure he will react the same at this years gifts. He just loves wild things.

 

The movie atonement is beautiful. I have not watched it in a couple of months but HBO has read my mind. It is currently playing on my television. Robby had just finished writing that letter that fucked up everything and that leaves me crying and angry at the end of the movie every single time. If you have not seen this movie go out and go watch it.

 

I have over a hundred photographs left to rot inside of my camera. I have no been able to upload or edit any of them thanks to my laptop that best buy has yet to fix again. Hopefully its time is done and I may be able to pick up myself a new one. I am a PC at heart but I am craving for the new 15” inch macbook pro.

 

I have spent the little bittie minutes of nothing on playing amateur surgeon the holiday edition on my ipod. I plan on baking up a storm filled with cookies, brownies, and not to mention cupcakes with green and red dots on the inside for my aunts holiday party in a few weeks. I have not yet found the perfect dress for the occasion. I hope that turns out on a positive note.

 

The universe is turning and has its ways of not going my way but it turns and turns and so far lately has ended up good on my side of the table. My brain feels light and no longer heavy. A hot shower is calling my name and after maybe a few episodes of CSI or curb your enthusiasm. I need to find my burts bees or else I might not be able to deal with these chapped lips anymore. I have completed blabbing on about nothing for about 3 pages on text that in the end nobody will enjoy to read except myself later on in life. Peace out scoutssssss.

 

I woke up to a white light that did not blind my tired eyes. My brothers and I put up the Christmas tree and added a few eye catchers on there yesterday night. I ended up adding more ornaments this morning. It still does not seem right. I need to go to the hardware store and buy some more.

 

My house is literally the only one on the street so far that has its Christmas lights up. I can not walk through my house without spotting something that reminds me of this holiday. I love this time of year. I feel closer to the people I love and it could not be any better. Everything seems to be going right and I am not too worried about school work like how I usually am.

 

Yesterday was a blur. Water blinded my eyes and my nose was running nonstop. I do not why it happened, but I was upset, really upset. At times I feel like I am doing something wrong when I feel like I am doing it all right. He was just having a bad day and I should accept that. Oscar never yells at me but he just had happened too. It sounded like he was annoyed with me. I told him to leave me alone. I myself almost convinced that he did not feel the same about me. I dropped something at the end of my bed and I happened to wander upon something. It was a nike shoe box. When you opened it, there was shiny purple Christmas wrapping paper. Under that, there were various little things that may not mean anything to you, but almost mean the world to me. These little things were those kind of little things that bring you back to reality. Dried petals had been scattered on everything from the once alive bunch of colored daisy that he had gotten me for no reason at all. Love notes that were given to me for no reason were folded various times in shapes of unperfected rectangles. Ring pops that he had pretended to propose to me on late nights spent together were still in their packages. Movie tickets that were wasted because we never watched the movie but just stared at each other and talk about absolutely nothing. The safeness came back when a picture was found at the bottom of the box. It was of me and him a long time ago. It was taken in a photo booth at the mall. He had snuck up little kisses as the pictures were being taken. I am so foolish because I felt like I had just pushed the love of my life away from me. He did not care about what I had done to him and not consider that he had a bad day due to the fact that I did not know, but he did care about me. He asked if I was alright and I felt like everything was okay. People are not perfect but we learn to know that maybe some people are a little bit close. I love Oscar and even though we may have our ups and downs, all I know is that I can come home at the end of the day and lay down with him in bed not saying anything and just hear the breaths in our chests and the beats of our hearts and know that he loves me more than anybody else can.

 

Oscar and I need to hang out together. Just the two of us. Everybody has been telling me that we should have sex just to make up for lost time. I hate it when people do that. They should just stay out of our personal business.

 

It snowed yesterday night and even though I dread the cold I am actually kind of liking it. It is a nice feeling to know that you can stay inside in bed and relax. I have been watching television for the past weekend and I feel like I have wasted time. I am going to be dead before I know it. At the moment I am talking to my boyfriend through telephone landlines. We are singing Christmas songs together. We actually are not that bad. 19 more days until Christmas, get stokeddddddd.

 

At the moment, my eyes are tired and I can not seem to shake off the sleepiness out of my head. I am worried about school work. Oscar tells me to stop worrying. I can not seem to get over it though. I need to fix this whole paranoid problemo. I was dead by 5 this afternoon. I was drifting in dream mode for about four hours. Sometimes you just need a nap to help you refresh your mind from thinking. It doe not feel like Friday.

 

I have that song from enchanted in my head. I knew watching this movie would be a bad idea. Everything has been floating by. The winter weather has slowed down reality making it harder to deal with every second. School has been a little problem for me. I am annoyed with all the work and stress that builds up due to it.

 

Some boys need to just leave me alone. You’re getting my boyfriend upset. I can see the green in his eyes getting ready to transform him into something scary. Oscar is so protective. I have not been able to spend some quality time with him in a while. At least I get to see him and kiss him almost everyday. Little things like that are little secrets that help me get by.

 

I have been searching for a subject that I would blog about but there is nothing at the moment that crosses my mind. I will blog again soon.

 

So when reality kicks into my bloodstream, some things can be more hard to comprehend and deal with than others. Why do I feel like some virus has contaminated my body? Why do I feel like I can not express my mind to you anymore? Maybe I am just paranoid. Yeah, that’s it, I’m paranoid.

 

I feel like I am do the wrong thing all the time. I attempt to be something close to perfect and it can get exhausting. I care too much for people that at times I find myself not caring for myself just as much should. I have to solve this whole putting others before my self deal.

 

I want to tell him things that I can not express to him in words, like how I wish he were more romantic like before. He knows I love him to death and I learn to depict situations where I grow out of the whole starting a fight thing. I just want him to be the happiest and not worry with the bullshit I bring to the dinner table. He has enough on his own plate to worry about.

 

Crying in your bed with the familiar television dialog playing itself into the background sounds quite depressing on a cold winter like month. I have trust issues. I grew onto these issues right after I experienced something that hit me like a deer getting run over by a car on a highway and I am the deer. I do not express what is on my mind as much as I should, even to my closer friends. It’s nice to know I have you. I do not deserve your kindness but I owe you everything. It is confusing to how I have no problem venting to you. I know I said I do not believe in that 11:11 bullshit anymore, but I still do have that sense of hope like you said and I wish away all of my wishes on you and hope you are always okay. Thanks geek.

 

The sound of a French rock band is distracting me from everything around me. I love the feeling of just listening to music really loud. Nothing can take me away from this world I am floating in right now. As long as it keeps playing I will be stuck in my head. It feels nice to get away once in a while. Everyday goes on and my mind becomes filled with ideas and many thing that I want to experience. I am tired of singing to myself. I wish somebody would sing to me. I guess at times I can find myself perfectly lonely and today is just one of those days.

 

Not to mention I got my laptop back and it still works like shit. Fuck you best buy.