I woke up to a white light that did not blind my tired eyes. My brothers and I put up the Christmas tree and added a few eye catchers on there yesterday night. I ended up adding more ornaments this morning. It still does not seem right. I need to go to the hardware store and buy some more.

 

My house is literally the only one on the street so far that has its Christmas lights up. I can not walk through my house without spotting something that reminds me of this holiday. I love this time of year. I feel closer to the people I love and it could not be any better. Everything seems to be going right and I am not too worried about school work like how I usually am.

 

Yesterday was a blur. Water blinded my eyes and my nose was running nonstop. I do not why it happened, but I was upset, really upset. At times I feel like I am doing something wrong when I feel like I am doing it all right. He was just having a bad day and I should accept that. Oscar never yells at me but he just had happened too. It sounded like he was annoyed with me. I told him to leave me alone. I myself almost convinced that he did not feel the same about me. I dropped something at the end of my bed and I happened to wander upon something. It was a nike shoe box. When you opened it, there was shiny purple Christmas wrapping paper. Under that, there were various little things that may not mean anything to you, but almost mean the world to me. These little things were those kind of little things that bring you back to reality. Dried petals had been scattered on everything from the once alive bunch of colored daisy that he had gotten me for no reason at all. Love notes that were given to me for no reason were folded various times in shapes of unperfected rectangles. Ring pops that he had pretended to propose to me on late nights spent together were still in their packages. Movie tickets that were wasted because we never watched the movie but just stared at each other and talk about absolutely nothing. The safeness came back when a picture was found at the bottom of the box. It was of me and him a long time ago. It was taken in a photo booth at the mall. He had snuck up little kisses as the pictures were being taken. I am so foolish because I felt like I had just pushed the love of my life away from me. He did not care about what I had done to him and not consider that he had a bad day due to the fact that I did not know, but he did care about me. He asked if I was alright and I felt like everything was okay. People are not perfect but we learn to know that maybe some people are a little bit close. I love Oscar and even though we may have our ups and downs, all I know is that I can come home at the end of the day and lay down with him in bed not saying anything and just hear the breaths in our chests and the beats of our hearts and know that he loves me more than anybody else can.

 

Oscar and I need to hang out together. Just the two of us. Everybody has been telling me that we should have sex just to make up for lost time. I hate it when people do that. They should just stay out of our personal business.

 

It snowed yesterday night and even though I dread the cold I am actually kind of liking it. It is a nice feeling to know that you can stay inside in bed and relax. I have been watching television for the past weekend and I feel like I have wasted time. I am going to be dead before I know it. At the moment I am talking to my boyfriend through telephone landlines. We are singing Christmas songs together. We actually are not that bad. 19 more days until Christmas, get stokeddddddd.

 

At the moment, my eyes are tired and I can not seem to shake off the sleepiness out of my head. I am worried about school work. Oscar tells me to stop worrying. I can not seem to get over it though. I need to fix this whole paranoid problemo. I was dead by 5 this afternoon. I was drifting in dream mode for about four hours. Sometimes you just need a nap to help you refresh your mind from thinking. It doe not feel like Friday.

 

I have that song from enchanted in my head. I knew watching this movie would be a bad idea. Everything has been floating by. The winter weather has slowed down reality making it harder to deal with every second. School has been a little problem for me. I am annoyed with all the work and stress that builds up due to it.

 

Some boys need to just leave me alone. You’re getting my boyfriend upset. I can see the green in his eyes getting ready to transform him into something scary. Oscar is so protective. I have not been able to spend some quality time with him in a while. At least I get to see him and kiss him almost everyday. Little things like that are little secrets that help me get by.

 

I have been searching for a subject that I would blog about but there is nothing at the moment that crosses my mind. I will blog again soon.

 

So when reality kicks into my bloodstream, some things can be more hard to comprehend and deal with than others. Why do I feel like some virus has contaminated my body? Why do I feel like I can not express my mind to you anymore? Maybe I am just paranoid. Yeah, that’s it, I’m paranoid.

 

I feel like I am do the wrong thing all the time. I attempt to be something close to perfect and it can get exhausting. I care too much for people that at times I find myself not caring for myself just as much should. I have to solve this whole putting others before my self deal.

 

I want to tell him things that I can not express to him in words, like how I wish he were more romantic like before. He knows I love him to death and I learn to depict situations where I grow out of the whole starting a fight thing. I just want him to be the happiest and not worry with the bullshit I bring to the dinner table. He has enough on his own plate to worry about.

 

Crying in your bed with the familiar television dialog playing itself into the background sounds quite depressing on a cold winter like month. I have trust issues. I grew onto these issues right after I experienced something that hit me like a deer getting run over by a car on a highway and I am the deer. I do not express what is on my mind as much as I should, even to my closer friends. It’s nice to know I have you. I do not deserve your kindness but I owe you everything. It is confusing to how I have no problem venting to you. I know I said I do not believe in that 11:11 bullshit anymore, but I still do have that sense of hope like you said and I wish away all of my wishes on you and hope you are always okay. Thanks geek.

 

The sound of a French rock band is distracting me from everything around me. I love the feeling of just listening to music really loud. Nothing can take me away from this world I am floating in right now. As long as it keeps playing I will be stuck in my head. It feels nice to get away once in a while. Everyday goes on and my mind becomes filled with ideas and many thing that I want to experience. I am tired of singing to myself. I wish somebody would sing to me. I guess at times I can find myself perfectly lonely and today is just one of those days.

 

Not to mention I got my laptop back and it still works like shit. Fuck you best buy.

 

Heat escapes my body and is built up under these covers. A day filled with giving thanks was well spent. A day filled with shopping was not. I did not get what I wanted on black Friday. I did go out of my way to buy my younger brother and mother little gifts for no occasion. My parents announced that my brothers and I will be receiving $400 in the next couple weeks to spend on ourselves on whatever we wished really. Knowing me, I will be spending half the amount of family and friends.

 

I sit here on a windy night in November typing away and watching top gear. My boyfriend really got me into this show. I am thinking of things that occurred at this time of year in the past. It brings back memories, good ones that I like to remember. I went out to photograph photos for class. I am not proud of what I have captured to be quite honest, but what can you do about it.

 

I really need a job. I am honestly thinking about getting one next year. It seems like there are more things to worry about as each and every day pass. I really want to have a career that has to do with fashion, photography, and all that jazz. To bad that will never happen. Reality hits me and I am glad it does. I want to grow with a family that gets to experience the many things that I have not experienced in mine. I want there to be one time in my life where I can have the time to experience anything I want. I really want to explore parts of Africa and many other places on that part of the globe. I am tired waking up in the same place each day.

 

There is not much to update on. Life is going and I am happy. I find myself over thinking why do I blog. I think it is because it is way easier than keeping a journal. I love it because others can read and comprehend what is going on in my mind from my point of view. I become to attached to things.

 

Yet again, another boring blog. Sigh, I will find time. Get ready for new ideas. I need to make my way over to Michaels arts and crafts.

 

I woke up with hazy eyes. I had spent the night beforehand finishing up little things like homework and catching up on my weekly television craves. I watched the whole season of Bored To Death in one night and let me tell you that I am impressed. I rolled around, my legs getting caught tangled between the covers. I grabbed my pillow off the floor and then threw it back down. I faced the ceiling blanked out. Breath, exhale. I am alive and am going to spend another day living.

 

Today would not drag on like yesterday night. Today I have something to do. I got up and searched for my pink binder. I color coordinate my school supplies with my subjects. English. I quickly drew up a response to the English essay and I am planning on typing the final up tomorrow morning. I have tiny little chemistry and global studies touch ups I have to be reminded to fix as well. School work done, check.

 

I headed for the shower after this. I could still feel the sleepyness in my eyes. I pushed the handle in the shower up. The water magically spat out of the pipes, falling out into my shower. I jumped in and the hot water immediately woke me up. I spent at least 10 minutes standing in the hot water for no reason. I hate cold showers and I guess I just needed relax time.

 

A couple hours had already passed and it was only 11 in the morning by now. I flipped on the television and started to watch a show that totally caught me by surprise. It is the most hilarious show I have ever seen in my life. It beats anything there is out there. I love Larry David.

 

My mom came home and started to cook. I love it when she does because the whole house becomes polluted with that aroma that makes you hungry. Right after she was done, I quickly ate. Afterwards, she told us to get changed.

 

I was going to find myself over at the commons in a few hours. I changed into some black jeans, my boots, and a purple cardigan from urban. Oscar was going to come along. I have nothung out with him outside of school in ages. I miss him. It feels like forever, but it has only been a day. The weather was on our side and it was not that cold out. That did not give him a reason to not wrap his arms around me. It was cute.Luck was not on my side though. Betsey Johnson, why must you never have my sizes at your store? He wanted to buy me something but I made him buy a cardigan and I pitched in to pay for those cool shirts from american apparel that change colors when touched.

 

On the way home, it usual is just typical, but this time, we watched our favorite movie together on his small little ipod. We both snuck in little kisses. Small ones that the world probably would have never guessed occurred. Tonight was just one of those nights where you know that it was special. My heart is still pounding inside of my chest as I type thing. I can feel my fingers tingling and he is not even here. This night proved to me that I had made the most perfect choice of my whole life. I love him so much and that is the truth. Waiting can really go a long way.

 

oh and bitches need to stop talking shit if they can not take it. i have a boyfriend who is perfect and you're just. perfectly lonely. nobody wants to be with somebody like you:)